Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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