oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
