They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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