I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize