'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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