The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
