Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
