I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
