haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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