tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
