Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
