god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
