Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
