once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i came on her dog
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
