this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
