this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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