So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
