You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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