I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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