i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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