im six kinds of drunk right now
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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