My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
