I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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