I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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