life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
