Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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