my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
