Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
