If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
