I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
