HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
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He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
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Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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