tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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