Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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