First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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