i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
