Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
