Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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