When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
