If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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