I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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