I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I seem to have left my pride at pride
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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