i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
