another moral hangover. fuck.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
