yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
