Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
