i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
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She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
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She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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