be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
