I wanna bring you to show and tell
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
