I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
that's an acceptable place to lick
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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