when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
