She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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