If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
