FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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