I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I enjoy the company of your penis
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
